Car Problems
by AgentAlexKrycek
Summary: Just for Fun! An intense and personal conversation between Derek & Stiles overheard in the Camaro.
1. Chapter 1 Car Problems

Car Problems

_By __**AgentAlexKrycek**_

Just for Fun! An intense and personal conversation between Derek & Stiles overheard in the Camaro. In my AU, the men are the same ages as the actors who portray them ~ 23 & 25. I know it's confusing, deal with it. Unapologetic Slash. This is my first foray into the Teen Wolf universe, so please be kind and constructive. I don't own anything Teen Wolf, except for my almost life-sized Stiles Stilinski Teddy Bear complete with red hoodie and Kigurumi. Season One/Early Two timeframe. Please Review and Fave if you like it. No haters please. If you don't like same-sex love stories, don't read. I live to hear from you guys! Rated M. Derek H. & Stiles S. Coming Out, Gay Pride, First Date, Vandalism, Fluffy Feels and Pizza. J

Cruising past the deserted parking lot, Derek could see the kid was in trouble. Stiles was looking under the old Jeep's hood with an expression like a monkey attempting to solve a calculus equation. "Genius?! Yeah right," he thought to himself. He could keep driving, but then he'd feel like the world's biggest douche bag. "I could live with that," was going through his mind when Stiles unexpectedly looked up, noticing the familiar black muscle car. His relieved smile was heart, and ultimately car, stopping. The kid was pack after all; Pack-lite maybe, or semi-pack-adjacent.

"Get in loser! I'll drop you off at home," Derek offered.

"Ummm, 'stranger danger' dude? How do I know your not some kind of sicko perv? You know, I very attractive to …"

"Limited time offer, Stiles. Tick-tock!" Derek huffed gunning the engine, already exasperated. "I'm picking up a pizza, and I don't have time for this sh…"

Stiles was in the passenger seat before the sentence was ever finished.

Derek tried unsuccessfully to hide his smile and stifle his laugh, "So a pizza is all it would take to compromise that legendary Stilinski virtue…."

"Actually you had me at 'drive home.' I was starting to think I was going to have to hoof-it home. This is Beacon Hills after all, with lycans, kanimas, and homicidal grandparents hiding behind every bush and tree."

"I'm actually more scared for the Kanimas...," Derek quipped. "Stiles, why do you even keep that POS Jeep, when you know it's just a roll of duct tape away from a junk yard…"

"Aaahh" he gasped, his hands over his heart. "Don't talk about Kim K. like that!"

Derek was at a total loss for words, "You…, you named your jeep after that Kardashian woman?! I know I'm going to hate myself for asking, but why?!

"Well, she's really high maintenance, most people think she's garbage, but boy can she haul ass…." Stiles was really proud of himself, and giggled maniacally for a moment before getting himself back under control again. "I'm impressed, Der, extra points for knowing what a Kardashian is. Besides, not all of us need a dream-machine penis-extension car like you…"

"Penis extension? He actually said Penis extension?" Derek said to the steering wheel. "Let me say this in small words so that even you can understand, Stiles… I. Don't. Need. A. Penis. Extension! You know, I'm really starting to regret picking your stranded ass up."

"Just saying, Derek, guys who drive expensive hot rod sports cars are usually compensating for their, err, shortcomings. After all, look at the facts… You're much too young to already be going through a mid-life crisis. Besides, common school of thought is that a guy can have a great body, handsome face, or an awesome cock; but never shall all three be in the same package ~ no pun intended."

"Don't make me pull it out and beat you to death with it, Stiles, because I will! And I'll enjoy ever fucking stroke! I'll have you know that from root to uncircumcised tip we are well into the double digits here…. I've never had any complaints. So, Stiles, you think I have a great body and handsome face, huh?"

Stiles eyes were still fixed on Derek's crotch following that outburst. His mouth started talking again before his brain had obviously fully engaged. "Uncircumcised? You're uncircumcised?"

"Hello!? Born werewolf here. Circumcision would be an exercise in futility, to say the very least…" He let his words sink in. "…and please, Stiles, don't go writing another of your famously long school dissertations on that! Don't you think the Priest might have gotten a little suspicious after the second or third time my parents took me in to be snipped?!

(Long Pause) Well, I don't believe it. I've lived long enough to see it! Stiles Stilinski, at a total loss for words…"

"I just never thought about that… I have to adjust my….," Stiles stuttered.

"You spend lots of time thinking about my equipment, Stilinski? Even now you can't seem to take your eyes of it…"

"Oh No! No way Dude! Get over yourself already, Sourwolf! And, while we're at it, what is this preoccupation you have with the color black? Is black a color, or is it the absence of color? Whatever. I mean, I know once you go black, you never go back, but really Dude! Your clothes, your leather jacket, your car, your tinted windows, your leather interior… I'll bet even your boxer briefs are black… Oh my God, they are, aren't they?!"

"And full-circle, we're back on my package, yet again…."

"I mean it Derek, I worried about you. What season are you anyway ~ Death! I've seen undertakers take braver color risks. Johnny Cash called, he wants his wardrobe back. They make this pill called Prozac that I think might help you… You'd make Grumpy Cat throw himself into traffic. You could have gotten a red, green, or blue Camaro ~ you know, to match your eyes…., just saying.

"Are you quite through, Stiles? I really don't think you should be giving me the 'better life through chemicals' talk, do you? I never knew Aderall came in a Fun-Size bag."

There was silence in the car, which Stiles could not allow for long. "Do you find me attractive?"

The tires may have left several skid marks, before Derek found the gas pedal again.

"You let people think you're kinda shy, when the truth is anything but, huh Styles? Is that some kind of self-preservation technique? You want people to underestimate you, because it gives you the upper hand in almost every situation." He contemplated the question, and then looked into Stiles' eyes. "That's not what you really want to know is it? There's more of a statement hidden in there, than a need for my stroking your out-of-control super ego…"

Stiles seemed to be weighing something in his mind. Then, decision made, he just blurts it out. "I think I'm gay, maybe bi… No, I pretty sure I leaning towards homoville." He said it so softly that Derek was almost not able to hear it, even with his enhanced werewolf hearing. "I still like boobs, but I think I like cock too. Well, I really like my own, and therefore I think I may like others too, you know. Not all at once, I mean, like one at any given time…ahhh, I think I'll shut up now." Time passed in shocked silence. "Well aren't you going to say something? Hello?! Some kinda being supportive there … Coming out here! First time saying it out loud to another human…well, um, living being."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was waiting for the big revelation… Oh, was that it?! Sorry, my bad."

"You're such a dick! I pour my heart out to you, and you have to rip it into shreads…," Stiles moaned.

"Correction ~ _Big Fucking Dick_! And I've known for quite a while, Stiles. Werewolf ESP …" he stated, tapping the side of his head, and pulling into the pizza parlor's parking lot and putting the car into park.

"Bullshit, I call bullshit! Werewolf extra sensory perception, please! How long have you known?

"Let's see, how long have I known you now…," Derek smirked.

"Oh no you didn't! If you ask me it's Gaydar. You have Gaydar! Or _Weredar_?! Yeah!"

"Werewolves do not have gaydar, Stiles. It's your scent. You smell like rainbows, strawberry shortcake, and candy sprinkles. Did you ever think of this, maybe you have GayDHD?" Derek paid at the counter and maneuvered Stiles to one of the empty tables in a quiet corner.

Stiles punched him in the arm, knowing it couldn't hurt him. "You are such an ass, I hate you so much…"

"No you don't. Lie! I can tell, werewolf ESP remember. _You think I'm gorgeous. You wanna date me. Love me and gay-marry me…"_

Stiles was stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth hanging open in shock. "And, how the Hell do you even know a line from the classic film 'Miss Congeniality'?! He who has no TV, DVR or internet?!"

"We gonna have Pizza, or discuss the cultural significance of Sandra Bullock's amazing film career….?"

"Was that a joke, did you make a joke? Oh my God, Who are you?! And what have you done with Derek Hale? Are you possessed, do we need to have an exorcism? Can the damned be possessed or is that redundant? Re-Possessed?"

"I'm the guy offering you a slice! Now try it! I fell in love with this in New York, and this is the ONLY place in Beacon Hills that will make it special for me. You should feel honored that I'm even going to share with you."

"OMG Derek! Holy God, what is that?! It's Green! And I think it needs an oil change worse than my Jeep does…Why isn't it red, everyone knows a pizza is supposed to be red… There are universal constants that should not be messed with."

"Shut up, Stiles. It's pesto and pepperoni, and it's terrific. Try it, you'll like it."

"Yeah, that's usually what they tell you right before anal sex…" Stiles said under his breath, lower than the wolf could make out.

"What'd you say?" Derek asked. innocently.

"Oh nothing. I should have known to expect something weird…some sort of WW specialty pie, like bunny rabbit & moss…" Stiles gave the slice a sniff, then a tentative lick. He then shoved half the slice into his mouth in one bite. The look of ecstasy on his face spoke volumes.

"See, told you you'd like it. And no cute bunnies met their demise to make it…" Derek soothed. "Umm, Stiles, your eating habits are really…"

"Disgusting? I know, right?! Too many years of bachelor living with just me and my Dad…," Stiles blurted out, a sad look passing over his eyes for a second.

"I was going to say _strangely erotic_, if you had just let me finish. I'm kinda getting turned-on here to see just how much you can hold in your mouth…"

"Oh, Ha Ha! Just so you know, I'm counting this as our first official date," Stiles said between bites.

"This is so NOT a date Stiles. By the way, you'll probably be needing this…" He said tossing Stiles the distributor cap to his Jeep. A confused look clouded Stiles' face, until understanding hit him like a bolt of lightning.

"Oh my God, Bad Dog! Very very bad mutt! You planned all this, didn't you?! This was a total set up! I am so counting this as a date… And quit hogging the pizza. You know what this needs? Ranch dressing."

"That's blasphemous! It doesn't need anything, it's perfect just the way it is. Besides if you want something white and creamy, I can oblige you…," the wolf said seductively.

"Ewwww! I'm eating here! So, can we hold hands?"

"No."

"So, Stiles, do you think you'll have a float in this year's Beacon Hills Pride Parade? We can get Danny, Jackson, Issac, and the rest of the pack and…Or maybe..." Derek dissolved into laughter.

"Oh, laugh it up, fur-butt! You know, I have Deaton on speed-dial. I could have you fixed," Stiles snapped.

"Wouldn't matter, they'd just grow back…," Derek answered.

_**Postscript ~**_ Wrote this before reading "_Things I Hate About You_" by **AngstyDevil ~** A fantastic story that I totally loved! I think this fits perfectly into **# 4** (He wouldn't let Derek help him with his car, no matter how much he begged.) and **#5** (Stiles ate with his mouth open.). Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long! I've been trying to come up with something worthy of following up "Car Problems." I wrote this story as Chapter Two, but then found that it does not fit the story arc I want. So, for the time being, please check out:

_**Movie Night ~ The Pack Takes in the Lone Ranger By AgentAlexKrycek**_

Pack bonding time! Something goes horribly wrong when the pack goes to see a movie. The gang decides to take in the new Lone Ranger movie, and everything goes straight to Hell! Who said a silver bullet can't hurt a werewolf!? For dramatic purposes, Lone Ranger is in 3D in my story. Mad Silly Fun!

**Sidenote:** This is just a "_Thank You_" for all you wonderful readers who commented, FAVed, and PMed me on "Car Problems." You are all so awesome! (Car problems was meant to be a one-shot, I just forgot to mark it as one. Sorry.) This was originally written as the follow-up to that story, but after careful consideration, it did not fit the direction I wanted to take that story arc. So the two will be posted as stand-alones. I just wanted to do something to show my "Thanks." I WILL be writing a second chapter to Car Problems, I promise. I just need to figure out how.

Please Review and Fav if you like it. I live to hear from you guys!

Love & Light, Alex.


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